October 23, 2006- Guest Entry Numero Dos

To my dear and loyal audience:

Before you peruse this gem of a guest entry I am about to post, allow me a moment to explain why I have been missing in action, and why I feel compelled to post the following pollution. There is a 95% chance that I fried my laptop during a power outage, meaning that my postings could potentially be less frequent. It has been in the shop for the last two weeks, and while I return almost daily for a verdict, the guy in charge (apparently a typical guy, regardless of nationality), keeps insisting that he is perfectly capable of fixing it, and that he just needs one more day. In the meantime (while I wrestle him for the truth), the below entry is all I have for you. While it is borderline pitiful in content, I leave you with this question to ponder:

Who is losing their mind at a more rapid pace in the Peace Corps: Kevin or Lindsay? I think this entry speaks for itself...

“Why do they call it taking a dump, when you don’t actually take it anywhere, you leave it?” - Ghandi

Hi everyone. How are you all getting along? It’s Kevin (Lindsay’s disgustingly crude alter ego), and I’m here making deposits in the porcelain piggy bank once again. Since it’s been a while since we’ve chatted, I figured it’s about time to share some more of my bathroom insights and queries with you all. Since I’m sure you’re eagerly anticipating what I have to say, and because my 4 year-old host nephew is outside the bathroom door screaming “You watch too much TV” (I taught him that) and generally creeping me out as usual, I won’t waste any time and get right to it.

- Dancing is a funny phenomenon here in Peru (and I’m guessing this applies to a lot of South/Latin America). Dancing is different in a lot of ways than it is in the States, and I’ll point out just a few. For starters, everyone here dances. And I mean everyone. Regardless of age, sex, number of working legs, whatever, if you’re Peruvian, you’re dancing. In the States, many people like to dance, don’t get me wrong. However, there is always the occasional goofy white male standing off to the side refusing to step on the floor. Here, that’s not the case. First off, if you’re a goofy white male at a fiesta here, there will most definitely be 100+ Peruvians dragging you onto the dance floor regardless of your personal feelings on doing the salsa (read: me at any sort of social function I’ve been to). Anyway, everyone dances and everyone loves it. Next big difference, all Peruvians like the same 10 or so songs. There must be a tradition here that at birth everyone is given nineteen names (I still don’t understand that one, either) and the very same CD. It’s pretty bad. All the parties, restaurants, and family gatherings I’ve been to feature the same dozen songs. I realize that the songs are traditional Peruvian tunes and that Peruvians take pride in their culture. I may have even thought the songs were catchy the first few times I heard them. I just don’t understand playing the same songs OVER AND OVER again. When I asked one of the artisans I work with why the same songs are always on at parties, he told me that they aren’t the same songs. When I responded with something like of course they are, he told me that the beats are always the same, but the words are different. Now, if I had learned to speak Spanish by now, I probably would have picked this up for myself, but this is beside the point. Personally, I think this Peruvian version of the remix is sort of stupid. I don’t care if Shakespeare is rewriting these songs, I would still not want to hear the same beat over and over again. Call me crazy. Then again, we do have Puff Daddy in the U.S. making millions of dollars doing the same thing. Whatever. Needless to say, I probably won’t be purchasing any Peruvian dance mixes anytime soon.

- Homophobia is a problem down here in Peru. We PCVs discussed this during our training sessions to an extent, and I’ve noticed how prevalent it is now that I’ve been at my site for a month. The main issue is that the people here understand what homophobia is, yet they are unaware that it is a major issue and that it exists in a vast majority of the population here (it’s the same with racism). I’ve often heard Peruvians bad mouth homosexuals for extended periods of time, then turn to me and tell me that Peruvians aren’t racist or anything like that, and that these problems only really exist in the U.S. While I am more than slightly concerned with the glaring contradictions in these sorts of statements, this issue of homophobia does not exactly blow me away. I’ve seen homophobia and gay-bashing in the States, and I don’t see enough of a disparity here to write off all of Peru as a country full of bigots or anything. I do, however, see a major difference between the two countries, and it is in the manifestation of the homophobia that exists. For example, if you happened to be a male Peace Corps Volunteer, and you also happen to be taking dance classes in your site, one would imagine that this would be grounds for unadulterated ball-busting from any and all males that knew about it, right? I mean, this would be just the opportunity for homophobic terms and issues to surface if I’ve ever heard of one. However, this apparently is not the case here. When I (and by I, I mean some other male PCV who told me this story, obviously) was recently caught right in the middle of a private dance class by a few of the most manly of men in all of El Peru, not a derogatory term was heard. I would even go as far as to say that the guys’ interest was peaked and that they were close to joining in the dance class. In the states I would expect nothing short of, “So, did your testicles happen to fall off when you got up this morning, fagboy?” and, “Nice dance moves, queery. Next time you might move better if your boyfriend lays off the old corn hole just a little bit.” Here, however, nothing of the sort. Do they relentlessly harass and bash the effeminate waiter in town beyond belief? Yes, yes they do. But nothing about private dance lessons (in my defense, they’re “marinera” dance lessons, the traditional dance of my area, thank you very much). I guess this goes back to the whole, every Peruvian loves to dance thing, but who really knows.

- I’ve started to watch a good amount of Peruvian television. And by Peruvian television, I mean American shows dubbed over in Spanish. The family favorite here is The Simpsons. We watch a few episodes every night during dinner. My favorite part about watching these horribly dubbed Simpsons episodes (they’re so bad because the actors’ voices sound nothing like their original, American counterparts) is that Homer’s name is translated to “Homero.” Why is this so funny to me? Well, a common technique for struggling Spanish students using English as their native tongue is to simply add the letter “o” to the ends of English words to get the Spanish equivalent. This tactic is effective more times than one would think, too. Believe me, when this method fails, it’s hilariously awkward (i.e. changing the word “meat” to “meato” just sounds ridiculous). However, for words like “product” (producto), it gets the job done. Anyway, the fact that Homer’s name is translated by simply adding an “o” is hilarious to me. It makes watching the dubbed Simpsons worth it, if only for the few times I hear Marge or Bart say “Homero” during an episode. And yes, I would probably enjoy the shows more if I actually understood the language. Buen punto. Now get off my case about it, I’m sensitive.

- I’ve been eating pretty healthily here in Peru. Actually, since I just eat what is put in front of me, I should say that my most family feeds me pretty healthy food. All the food I eat is made fresh that day, with soups and the like usually included. It’s pretty delicious really. I’ve lost something like 15 pounds since I got here, and I didn’t think I had any real weight to lose. So, that’s a sign that I’ve been eating healthily. Another, slightly more frightening sign, is how I react to run of the mill sweets. Por ejemplo, the other night after dinner, my host mom brought out some animal crackers (the Peruvian version, of course). Now, animal crackers are good and all, but the fact that I had visions of stabbing my 4-year-old host nephew’s hand when he grabbed the last one out of the basket might be a sign that I need some more sweets in my life. I mean, for a Butterfinger this may be an appropriate response. But animal crackers? That may be crossing the line. Being healthy and trim is nice, but maiming young children is not a fair trade. That’s just the bottom line.

- Here’s a business proposal for you entrepreneurial types out there. You want to make some easy money, here’s what you got to do. Grab some C-list celebrity, maybe even a decent looking D-list one, and put them in an action movie. The script doesn’t really matter, and the only things I’d say need to be included in the plot are as follows, in no particular order: militant mercenaries, preferably ex-marine generals; a big-breasted, blonde, sword wielding ass kicker; a revenge-driven former samurai soldier searching for the man who killed his father/brother/dog/high-school football coach; a pony-tailed, special-ops vet who may or may not be mute; and ninjas – lots and lots of ninjas. Now, the filming of the movie doesn’t matter, just as long as the big-breasted sword wielding blonde, the pony-tailed mute, and the samurai guy kill 99% of the extras in the film, who are all ninjas. That’s it. Cut corners, save money wherever you can, this is all you need. I promise you that this movie will sell to every single bus company in Peru to be shown on all their fares countrywide. Judging by the enthusiasm and attentiveness of the audience on the buses here, you could bank on selling this film to the vast majority of the general public, too. Now, my market analysis hasn’t come back yet, but I’m betting that this ninja-action-revenge movie phenomenon is found all around South America. Regardless, the market for it in Peru alone makes the production of a movie of this sort worth it. I would put this idea into work for myself, but as a Peace Corps Volunteer I’m unable to make a profit from anything I do here. So, you’re welcome up front. A name drop in the credits is all I’m looking for in return. I look forward to seeing your films on future bus rides.

Well, I’d like to sit here all day and share more mind-blowing insights with you, but it’s possible that my host nephew has passed out outside the bathroom door from screaming for the past half hour. Also, I may or may not have a dance class that starts in ten minutes. I also may or may not be the best marinera dancer ever. My mom always says that I have dancing feet. Anyway, until next time (and judging by the decreasing value of these guest entries, it won’t be anytime soon).

Happy hopping,

- Kevin